Just witnessed a high bee-speed and slow human-speed chase. Bee caught the human, human involuntarily bee-slaughtered the bee. Human in custody, bail is set at a beellion dollars.

Deal-Of-The-Day Website Images!

While this image is supposed to be splendid and appealing, here is what it’s really saying…

Hey!  Want a great deal on facials?  How about one or three facials at only $99!  It’s our promise that by the end you’ll look like the WEIRDEST ROBOT MANNEQUIN the world has ever seen! 



It’s about time somebody points out the obvious!  KATHY IRELAND IS A DROP BEAR!  I’ve created a new zine to illustrate this, keep your eyes peeled around the world to grab one, or if you’re really in the need, e-mail me and I’ll send it your way!
thejustinjohnsonshow(AT)gmail(DOT)com 
BEWARE!

It’s about time somebody points out the obvious!  KATHY IRELAND IS A DROP BEAR!  I’ve created a new zine to illustrate this, keep your eyes peeled around the world to grab one, or if you’re really in the need, e-mail me and I’ll send it your way!

thejustinjohnsonshow(AT)gmail(DOT)com

BEWARE!


sketchmelt:

SketchMelt proudly presents a showcase of the best of new live and video sketch comedy every month! Guaranteed to be totally sketch.See live and video sketches byOh, YouAshton GolemboAggie, Alana and JackThis Is SeriousPat BabbittThe Late Live ShowPlus submission winners Cheap SmokesHosted by Brad Gage [Family Sandwich] andChristian Spicer [Double Jump, IMPRO(vs)TANDUP] with Danielle N. Kramer [Husband & Wifey]!$8 in advance, $10 at the door

Come to this!  I’ll be presenting a sketch!

sketchmelt:

SketchMelt proudly presents a showcase of the best of new live and video sketch comedy every month! Guaranteed to be totally sketch.

See live and video sketches by
Oh, You
Ashton Golembo
Aggie, Alana and Jack
This Is Serious
Pat Babbitt
The Late Live Show
Plus submission winners Cheap Smokes


Hosted by Brad Gage [Family Sandwich] andChristian Spicer [Double Jump, IMPRO(vs)TANDUP] with Danielle N. Kramer [Husband & Wifey]!

$8 in advance, $10 at the door

Come to this!  I’ll be presenting a sketch!



Jim has some ideas for a viral marketing campaign. 


Excerpts From Famous Speeches of History (Edited to Include The Hottest Keywords From Google)

BASEBALL SEASON IS HERE!  Am I watching every pre-season game out there?  Of course I am!  Don’t question my loyalty to baseball!  We’re half way through pre-season, starters are playing more innings, and all is right with the world.  And when things are going right, and I feel super happy and positive, there’s a certain need GET REAL, and bring myself to tears.  And when you need tears, why not listen to one of the most beautiful speeches in life, Lou Gehrig’s, “Farewell to Baseball Address.”  It’s like cutting onions in my eyes with the amount of tears I shed every time I hear it.  Thus, for my very own enjoyment (and probably nobody else’s), and to help me get through it, I have “optimized it” with the hottest Google keywords of today, March 14, 2014.  Grab a tissue, and read on…PLAY BALL!



    Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about LINDSAY LOHAN. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the ANDAMAN ISLANDS. I have been with the WALL STREET JOURNAL for seventeen years and have never received anything but STEAM from you fans.

    Look at ROONEY MARA. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career to associate with her for even one day?

    Sure, I’m lucky. Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known FLOYD MAYWEATHER – also the builder of baseball’s greatest empire, DARREN SPROLES – to have spent the next nine years with that wonderful little fellow BRANDON BROWNER – then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader of the BIG TEN TOURNAMENT, that smart student of psychology – the best manager in baseball today, CHUMLEE!

    Sure, I’m lucky. When AMERICAN IDOL, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift, that’s TESLA!  When everybody down to the ERICK DECKER and those boys in white coats remember you with PI, that’s something.

    When you have a wonderful 2015 AUDI A3, who takes sides with you in squabbles against MARIA MENOUNOS, that’s something. When you have DRAKE and ELIZABETH OLSEN who work all their lives so that you can have a ALLERGY RELIEF and build your body, it’s a CALIFORNIA EARTHQUAKE!  When you have JUSTIN BIEBER who has been DIVERGENT and shown more courage than you dreamed existed, that’s a JAPAN EARTHQUAKE.

    So I close in saying that I might have had a tough break – but I have EGGS!



Out with the old, in with the Ewe.

Out with the old, in with the Ewe.


Left To Your Own Devices

Left To Your Own Devices


Dumb Bill Dataface by Justin J. Johnson

Dumb Bill Dataface by Justin J. Johnson


Wrapping up 2013 in one weird audio recording.



Tis the season for Hipster Christmas Miracles!

Tis the season for Hipster Christmas Miracles!